Lest everyone think I am an angry, bitter hag who holds clothing designers responsible for my genetics, I just want people to know that I am nothing if not resourceful. Unwilling to shop ANYWHERE for my jeans besides Abercrombie, because my loyalty to their Madison Flare style borders upon obsession, I went ahead and bought a pair in their "Regular" length. I got them home and after whining on the phone to my mother-in-law about them while calling her for sewing advice (about another project), I invented a crazy, and stupid, but nonetheless effective, method of hemming said pants.
Normally I don't recommend hemming jeans yourself, especially if you're a semi-novice seamstress like me. And indeed, even when I've had jeans professionally hemmed in the past, they've always ended up looking absolutely retarded afterwards. Hemming a pair of flare jeans is even harder because if you cut the bottoms off, you inevitably lose some of the flare, which makes them look disproportionate, and then when you hem them, the stitching never looks right (or even close to what the bottoms looked like before).
So, here's the story of my adventure with my newfangled method of hemming jeans.
First, I accordion-folded the bottom of the jeans, maybe taking up about 3/4 of an inch, and lining up the bottom of the folded piece with the bottom of the inside lining. Then I pinned it and pressed the hell out of it with the iron. Then I tried them on, with every pair of shoes I own, to make sure they didn't drag on the ground even with my lowest heels.
While doing this for the new pair of black suede pumps I bought from Macy's, I accidentally stepped on one of the pins, which then went ALL THE WAY INTO MY FOOT, and while I screamed and yelled and swore thereby making my neighbors think someone was being murdered in my house, I tried to weigh my options: Do I pull it out, risking the bottom of the pin breaking off and remaining lodged in my foot, which will force me to go to the hospital to get it removed? Do I leave the pin where it is, go to the hospital, and let them take it out? Or do I slowly yank it out and hope for the best? Do I then sue Abercrombie, because it's their fault I have to hem my pants in the first place (I quickly discarded this option - I've watched enough Law and Order to know that no judge on earth would even ALLOW that case to be argued in their courtroom. Although, this is the country of the idiot who sued McDonald's for not warning them about hot coffee, so I guess it's a possibility and maybe I had a shot, but still.) I went with the third option. The pin came out relatively easily, and with very little blood, and although the bottom of the pin DID break off, it didn't break off under my skin, thankfully. I sat down on the floor and cried, more out of shock than pain, before limping into the bathroom, slathering my foot with Neosporin, and applying 295729 Band-Aids (if you ever come visit, you will be amused to note that we have a stock of Band-Aids and a tube of Neosporin in almost every room of the house, because of Psycho Cat. She'll maul you in any room, if you piss her off - she doesn't discriminate).
Once that fiasco was over, I returned to my guest room/"art studio" to continue my annoying sewing project for the afternoon. I sewed all around the bottom of the accordion-folded hem of my jeans, then I folded the top under and sewed that (I can't really explain this properly, I'd have to show you in person). It actually looked pretty decent, the flare stayed in because I didn't actually cut off any of the fabric, and they fit ok with my shoes. I pinned up the other leg last night while watching a comparatively boring new episode of SVU, and I'll probably try to sew it tomorrow. So, basically, the score now stands at Grace: 1, Abercrombie: 0. While I do feel a certain regret that I had to pin and sew $70 jeans, I feel like it's a small price to pay for still being able to wear my favorite style. Now, if I could only remove the smell of Abercrombie cologne which permeates every fiber of denim...they really need to stop spraying that shit all over the store!
BTW, for anyone who is wondering, Josephine the spider is still alive and well, despite the increasingly cold temperatures (and the snow!) She has been hanging out in her upstairs room more often lately, but she came down two nights ago to fix her web and have some dinner. Only time will tell how she weathers the rest of the fall, but for now she's doing ok.
Wednesday, October 29, 2008
Thursday, October 9, 2008
Memo
Dear Clothing Designers,
I am pissed off. Listen, not all of us are 7 feet tall. Therefore, can you please create jeans in lengths that someone like me, at 5'3" with an inseam roughly the length of a paper clip, can wear? I'm tired of being forced, having no other options, to buy jeans in what you call "regular" length which in fact extend almost 6 INCHES BELOW MY FOOT, and which bunch up unattractively even if I'm wearing heels. I'm tired of asking my mom to hem my pants. I'm...well, I'm just tired.
I'm specifically talking to you, Abercrombie. Although it annoys me that I have succumbed to your brand-name-mongering, I have consistently bought no other jeans than yours for the last three years. Now, although you still make the style I like, YOU APPARENTLY DON'T MAKE THEM IN A SHORT LENGTH ANYMORE. I went into your store the other day in the Danbury Mall and was enraged to note that you stocked NO JEANS IN THE AFOREMENTIONED SHORT LENGTH, unless they were size 0. At first I thought my brain had perhaps been addled by the clouds of cologne permeating the air within your store. I said, they can't POSSIBLY not make jeans in "Short" anymore, right? There are other Abercrombie customers out there like me, who are under 6' and, indeed, under 5'5". But I was sorely mistaken. Does this make sense? No. No it doesn't. It's bad enough that my favorite pair of jeans, which I bought from you, are now getting ratty to the point where I really can't wear them anymore, without you making things 100 times worse by now failing to carry the short length in that same style. I have resorted to eBay to try and find them, to no avail. Thanks for nothing, jerks.
Furthermore, this post is directed at you, Express. I have been a devoted customer of yours for YEARS, despite the fact that one time an employee at your store committed credit card fraud using my Express card and bought almost $200 worth of merchandise on it. And while I have since cancelled the card, I still shop at your store even though the clothing and accessory styles you now sell are geared more toward teenagers than adults. But I digress. In my effort to find jeans the other day, I attempted to try on some of yours, in what were purported to be your "short" length. Yeah. Those f-ing things were so long on me that even with 4-inch heels on, I tripped over them walking out of the dressing room to look at them in the 3-way mirror. Frustrated beyond all reason, and on the verge of a shooting spree, I left the mall almost in tears, cursing whatever side of the family gave me short legs, and cursing the fashion industry at large for only designing jeans in lengths suitable for a freaking giraffe.
In conclusion, on behalf of short women everywhere, please bring back jeans suitable for the vertically-challenged. Please don't make us have to resort to buying custom-designed jeans that cost $400. None of us have the money, or the time for that. I'm begging you.
Cordially,
Grace
I am pissed off. Listen, not all of us are 7 feet tall. Therefore, can you please create jeans in lengths that someone like me, at 5'3" with an inseam roughly the length of a paper clip, can wear? I'm tired of being forced, having no other options, to buy jeans in what you call "regular" length which in fact extend almost 6 INCHES BELOW MY FOOT, and which bunch up unattractively even if I'm wearing heels. I'm tired of asking my mom to hem my pants. I'm...well, I'm just tired.
I'm specifically talking to you, Abercrombie. Although it annoys me that I have succumbed to your brand-name-mongering, I have consistently bought no other jeans than yours for the last three years. Now, although you still make the style I like, YOU APPARENTLY DON'T MAKE THEM IN A SHORT LENGTH ANYMORE. I went into your store the other day in the Danbury Mall and was enraged to note that you stocked NO JEANS IN THE AFOREMENTIONED SHORT LENGTH, unless they were size 0. At first I thought my brain had perhaps been addled by the clouds of cologne permeating the air within your store. I said, they can't POSSIBLY not make jeans in "Short" anymore, right? There are other Abercrombie customers out there like me, who are under 6' and, indeed, under 5'5". But I was sorely mistaken. Does this make sense? No. No it doesn't. It's bad enough that my favorite pair of jeans, which I bought from you, are now getting ratty to the point where I really can't wear them anymore, without you making things 100 times worse by now failing to carry the short length in that same style. I have resorted to eBay to try and find them, to no avail. Thanks for nothing, jerks.
Furthermore, this post is directed at you, Express. I have been a devoted customer of yours for YEARS, despite the fact that one time an employee at your store committed credit card fraud using my Express card and bought almost $200 worth of merchandise on it. And while I have since cancelled the card, I still shop at your store even though the clothing and accessory styles you now sell are geared more toward teenagers than adults. But I digress. In my effort to find jeans the other day, I attempted to try on some of yours, in what were purported to be your "short" length. Yeah. Those f-ing things were so long on me that even with 4-inch heels on, I tripped over them walking out of the dressing room to look at them in the 3-way mirror. Frustrated beyond all reason, and on the verge of a shooting spree, I left the mall almost in tears, cursing whatever side of the family gave me short legs, and cursing the fashion industry at large for only designing jeans in lengths suitable for a freaking giraffe.
In conclusion, on behalf of short women everywhere, please bring back jeans suitable for the vertically-challenged. Please don't make us have to resort to buying custom-designed jeans that cost $400. None of us have the money, or the time for that. I'm begging you.
Cordially,
Grace
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