I Met Richard Belzer, And I Babbled Like Such An Idiot I Might As Well Have Been Speaking Klingon

Long post. You have been warned.

My name is Grace. I am a Law and Order: SVU addict.

So when I read on the Interwebs that Richard Belzer was going to be doing an appearance at a Barnes & Noble in the city for his new book, I Am Not A Psychic!, I was like WORD. I need to go to this. All week I was hemming and hawing though, since I knew the weather would be crappy and I had a lot to do this week, but finally I decided yesterday (the day of the event mind you) that if I didn’t go I would majorly regret it and anyway I was planning on buying the book, so why not buy it there and get it signed by the man himself?

GOOD CALL, GRACE. I am telling you, it was the coolest thing I have done this week by far. $24 for the book and I got to sit 6 feet away from a comedy legend for an hour? Totally worth it. Now, I wasn’t familiar with Belzer back in the day when he was doing stand-up, so I really only know him from Law and Order, but let me tell you: THIS MAN. IS HILARIOUS. I skipped the gym yesterday but I got an ab workout all the same because I didn’t stop laughing the entire time. It is seriously amazing how this guy can play Detective Munch, an arguably serious character on a very serious show, and also be this hysterically funny comedian, so he’s the man. Here is the story of how I met my favorite actor on my favorite show and didn’t manage to pass out.

I left work yesterday and drove home (in the snow!) to get a different coat, a scarf, and some gloves, and feed the cat, and yet somehow I still made it to Katonah to catch a 5:00 train (when I manage to catch a train that I was planning on taking, it automatically starts things off on a positive note). I got into the city, scooted uptown to 66th and Broadway, and found where they were selling the book which was right next to the event room where we would be. I bought the book, got my bracelet, and went to hang out in the line until they opened the doors.

I don’t know if it was the weather or what, but once they let us in it became apparent that by no chance was the place going to be full, so that was cool. I got a seat right across from the podium in the third row and for once, Yao Ming or whatever didn’t sit in front of me so I would have a perfect view. While we were waiting, I pulled out Shawn’s camera which I had borrowed for the occasion to make sure it was set up for when Belzer got there, but to my EXTREME TERROR it gave me this message saying “No Memory Card”. GOD ALMIGHTY, ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!?!?! So I somehow struck up conversation with this girl sitting in the row in front of me and lo and behold she had a SPARE MEMORY CARD and she GAVE it to me. Whoever this girl is, I love her to the high heavens. A thousand blessings upon her home! I would have been so screwed without that memory card!

Belzer comes in, holding his cute doggie Bebe (I think he is a poodle fox terrier or something like that). He is dressed all in black and yes, he has the sunglasses on. He says “Hi kids! I’ll be back” and goes into the side room. While we’re waiting the Barnes & Noble dude who was running things walked around with some yellow Post-Its saying that Mr. Belzer would be personalizing his books at the signing and asked us what we wanted written and wrote it on the yellow Post-Its so we could stick them in our books.

Once Belzer got started, it was complete and nonstop laughter for the entire time. He read a bit from the book, took questions from the audience, and pretty much just made us laugh constantly. He does the whole “interact/make fun of the audience” thing which I always love when comedians do that. He does a KILLER Jackie Mason impersonation. There was a man in the audience who was clearly from another country, and at one point he raised his hand and asked Belzer “I see this word ‘f---‘ a lot in your books, what does it mean?” and Belzer had a field day with that one (although I’m not entirely convinced that he didn’t know the guy and they had set it up beforehand). He talked a bit about the show which is always fun to hear and it was also interesting to hear about his writing process (for those of you who don’t know, this book and the previous one, I Am Not A Cop!, are fictional mysteries but use him with his real name as the main character). Then it was time for the signing.

At this point I was about ready to have a panic attack. I am not good at meeting famous people and I have never met one that I heart as much as Richard Belzer, so I’m standing there thinking OMG, what in the holy hell do I say to him when I get up there? Since there were so few people he actually was kind of talking to everyone for a bit when they got up to have their books signed, so now I am facing the prospect of having a brief conversation with him. I move up in the line and start talking to the two ladies in front of me. I watch as this one girl a couple people ahead of us has her picture taken with him, so now I know he will maybe take a picture with me if I ask, and I ask the lady in front of me to take a picture for me when I get there. I get up to the table and I’m petting Bebe the doggie (he’s super cute!) and then it is my turn.

The first thing I do is I tell Belzer that it’s the 5-year anniversary of my first date with my husband and I’m there instead of at home. He goes, “Well, where the hell is your husband?” and I told him he had to work late and I wanted to get into the city early. That was ok. But then I proceed to F it all up by telling Belzer about how it is snowing in his home state (yes, he is from Connecticut originally). YES, I AM STANDING IN FRONT OF RICHARD BELZER, TALKING ABOUT THE WEATHER. How about, “Mr. Belzer, this was so cool, I love your work” or “You’re the main reason I watch Law and Order” or something to that effect? NOPE. THE MOTHERF---ING WEATHER. I suck at life. So, just in case Richard Belzer ever reads my blog, and actually makes it through this long-ass post, here is what I SHOULD HAVE SAID:

Hi Mr. Belzer! My name is Grace. I love your show, and I think you are awesome on it. You’re the main reason I watch it and I think it’s so cool that you currently hold the record for playing the same character on the most different TV shows. Sorry I was blubbering like a goddamn monkey when I met you. I really can be quite eloquent when I want to. I love your dog! My friend lives near you and brings her dog to the same park where you go. I admire your work with the North Shore Animal League. I really enjoyed this evening and haven’t laughed this hard in a long time. I am looking forward to reading your book.

So I managed to recover just enough to ask politely for a photo (I wonder if it weirds him out when people call him “Mr. Belzer” as I’m sure most people don’t, but I’m a paeon and I’m sure as hell not going to assume familiarity with this legend of the comedy world by calling him “Richard” or “Belz” or something). He told me to lean in, which I did, and I got the following:

Apparently it is too much to ask that I look good in a photo with my favorite actor, but I think it is a great picture of him. But then again, I doubt if he ever takes a bad photo. Also, Bebe is cute. It was cool to have him in the picture too. I want a dog.

I was grinning like an idiot and he thanked me for coming out and smiled, and I went on my merry way with my book and my photo. It was a great night and a great end to the week! I would have regretted it so much if I hadn’t gone. If I have the chance to meet him again, hopefully I won’t sound like such a moron and could actually have a real conversation with him. But until then, I can at least say I met Richard Belzer!!!

Things That Grind My Gears!

As a disclaimer for this Monday’s edition of Things That Grind My Gears, stop reading now if you are into Jon & Kate Plus 8 (or, Kate Plus 8 as it apparently will now be called).

1. Dude. I don’t know about anyone else, but I am SO SICK of hearing about Jon & Kate! I hate these people, and I don’t even know them. Every freaking media outlet in this country is completely mired in their drama at the moment, and I am sick as all holy hell of it. I turn on the radio? Jon & Kate. I turn on the news? Jon & Kate. I half expect to start seeing mosaics of them and collages of their life in museums. Seriously, media. Stop giving these people attention – that is all they want. He is a douche, she is a shrew. And unfortunately, neither of them, despite their many affirmations to the contrary, gives a rat’s ass about any of their kids, or else they wouldn’t be using them as leverage in their obnoxious he-said-she-said game. I don’t care who was at fault, and neither does anyone else. As far as I’m concerned, you’re both at fault. Watching that show was like watching a real-life Everybody Loves Raymond…husband is a lazy obnoxious pig, wife considered nagging her husband to be as necessary to her daily routine as breathing. I’m serious, if I EVER treat my husband like that, I want someone to shoot me. But I never WILL, because he would never act like Jon Gosselin to begin with, so it’s a moot point. Anyhoo, the people who are really suffering here are the innocent children…and the rest of America, who, like me, just want to stop hearing about this shit 28475682101 times a day.

2. I really like the fall, but the constant fluctuation in the temperature is seriously messing with me. Last week it was nice and cool and breezy, like fall weather should be, and yet this weekend, it was back to being 14 trillion degrees with 90% humidity. I am DONE with summer, I am over it (of course I was over it in June…I really don’t like summer to begin with, but that’s beside the point). PLEASE bring back the fall weather! And please do it soon! HOWEVER, if the gods of Fall Weather could bring it back WITHOUT the accompanying invasion of f-ing spiders into my house because the weather’s getting colder, that would be STELLAR. I swear, everywhere I looked this weekend in my house, I saw a spider. And Husband was not home to go all vigilante on them, so I cowered in fear in my car for most of the weekend hoping that they would all disappear. They did not. I loathe spiders, in case you people were wondering (except for Josephine, referred to in an earlier post…RIP Josephine!)

3. Anyone who knows me (or reads my Facebook page, at least) knows about my deep and abiding love for “Law and Order: SVU”. However, I am pissed at the show right now…so much so that I am ready to break up with it if some changes don’t start happening. We are now 2 episodes into the new season, and like HALF THE CAST IS MISSING. No Munch, no Huang, no Cabot, no Warner; also, little to no Captain Cragen…like HELLO?!?! Bring back my Munchkins please, before I go out of my mind! Richard Belzer is more than half of the reason I watch the show. I am serious, SVU, if you replace him I will be enraged. Also, maybe give Munch more than like 6 lines per episode…refer to the episode “Painless” with Marlee Matlin where he is a huge part of the plot. Richard Belzer is a good actor. He can deliver serious lines as well as funny ones. Why am I the only person who is aware of this?

Look, I am into guest stars and all that, but if you are adding them to the show at the expense of the regular cast, that is stupid. People watch the show for Hargitay, Meloni, Belzer, and Ice-T, not for the guest stars. They are the reason the show has been on for 11 seasons now. Wentworth Miller = not a good actor and a REALLY obnoxious character on the first episode. Christine Baranski (aka Bitchy ADA) = also not a good character, and if she persists for more than like one or two more episodes heads will roll. Dude. Let us hearken back to the purer times of ADAs Cabot and Novak, where the ADA was fair, ethical, and was concerned more about doing her job than putting the detectives on the chopping block for doing theirs. Furthermore, bitchy for the sake of bitchy does not make an entertaining character, in my opinion (hence why I hated “Will & Grace”…I could not STAND Megan Mullaly as Karen on that show). So in conclusion, Show: I need more Munch and less stupid, gratuitous use of guest stars overshadowing the regular cast. Thanks.